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Posted 20/06/2022 in English Premiership by Host a Fan

WARNING: Do not read if you have zero sense of humour or are offended easily.


WARNING: Do not read if you have zero sense of humour or are offended easily.

The year is 2035. Climate change hasn’t killed us all off. Not just yet anyway. Jeremy Corbyn, now even more miserable than he was back in his bemoaning heyday, is in his second term as Prime Minister, living behind the now famous white door of 10 Downing Street after the former black door was repainted in 2025 amidst a wave of protests from the highly influential BLM group. Jeremy lives with his cat and his brother who somehow manages to find time to glue himself to the M25 for around 4 days a week despite being The Minister for Climate Affairs and, more importantly, despite the fact that London’s outer ring-road has been electric-only since 2030. 

"Northampton Paints, fresh from their new sponsorship deal with 

Dulux make the trip to Sandy Park"


On the 72-inch 3D virtual box tonight, Northampton Paints, fresh from their new sponsorship deal with Dulux make the trip to Sandy Park for a Premiership game against the Exeter Non-Native-Gender-Neutral-Chefs. Northampton are now in their fourth season since their name change from the archaic Northampton Saints, which, looking back, comparing all those holy and virtuous Christian noblemen and women to burly lads throwing themselves at each other over an egg-shaped ball, was a cruel insult. 


"Without an annoying, pesty insect to associate with and with about as much geographical loyalty as a wasp - having buzzed around London and then been squatted off to Coventry - this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for Wasps."


If the righteous name change was controversial in Northampton, it was warmly welcomed by those liberals in nearby Coventry who were the originators of what became sport’s decade of enlightenment. Way back in 2021, some highly observant, eagle-eyed Wasps supporter somehow spotted that the then-Exeter Chiefs mascot resembled a Native American and that the native Americans themselves may find that incredibly offensive. Cue the name change to today’s much more inclusive, friendly and welcoming name. The Devonians, however, were to have the last laugh as their revenge mission included whipping up a storm with the UK’s Bees, Wasps and Ants Recording Society (BWARS), highlighting that rugby supporters urging their team to “Beat the wasps” may lead to an inadvertent increase in a rise of attacks on our striped buzzy friends. Without an annoying, pesty insect to associate with and with about as much geographical loyalty as a wasp - having buzzed around London and then been squatted off to Coventry - this proved to be the final nail in the coffin for a once-great English rugby club who had no alternative but to call it a day back in 2023. 


"Martin Johnson heroically walked a live tiger on a lead through baying 

mob of protesters in a last-ditch attempt to save the club’s heritage"

Next in the firing line were another once great stalwart of English rugby, the Leicester Tigers. Cast your mind back to 2025 and you’ll remember the live demonstrations in the streets when Martin Johnson heroically walked a live tiger on a lead through a baying mob of protesters in a last-ditch attempt to save the club’s heritage. Alas, this was only enough to secure a compromise agreement with the WWF’s endorsed campaigners that saw the name change to a more awareness-led and big-cat friendly Leicester Non-Endangered Wild Cats. 

"Tesla RFC continue to refute any commercial link to the 

world’s largest car company. An investigation is ongoing."

The Saracens were the next to fall, after campaigners complained that the name was leading to an increase in perceived Islamophobia amidst rugby supporters. The club, now in the third tier after yet another breach of the rules and, promising a clean slate, went for a complete reboot to their controversial Tesla RFC, and, despite scepticism from supporters, claim that it really does stand for The East & South London Area Rugby Football Club and continue to refute any commercial link to the world’s largest car company. An investigation is ongoing. 


 "Worcester pre-emptively dropped the ‘Warriors’ from their name 

before Sixways came under attack" 


Sale Sharks, Newcastle Falcons and Bristol Bears all fell victim to animal-rights enforced name changes throughout the decade. London Irish were accused of culturally appropriating Irish culture (whoever spotted that one?) and succumbed in 2028, just a year after Harlequins had changed their name after protests from the World Clown Society. Spotting what was to come and keen to avoid upsetting any self-proclaimed Warriors (for obvious reasons), Worcester pre-emptively dropped the ‘Warriors’ from their name before Sixways came under attack. 


The decade of enlightenment left only the West Country originals of Bath and Gloucester from the dark, pre-enlightenment days of the 2010’s and earlier. Even that’s only after the UK’s ablutophobia society (that’s fear of Baths) were unsuccessful in their appeal against Bath Rugby. 

At least Bath actually won something. 


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